Sometimes, I wonder if girlie mags aren’t out to sabotage us normal gals. We’ve all perused articles in issues of Cosmo or Allure or Glamour and asked, “Are they effing kidding?” (No one should ever twist and pull a penis simultaneously, Glamour!) Perhaps the most offenses belong in the category of dating. These magazines offer some outlandish advice on “how to land a man” and because I love you all and do not want you to fail, I’ve tried some of these approaches to report back on what works and what doesn’t.
1.Write Dating Business Cards: Write your name, number, and a one-liner on a sheet of paper (or bar napkin, let’s be real) and give it to a fellow.
Results: Pretty disastrous. Dubbed a “sure-fire way to get a man’s attention”, it gets their attention alright — in the absolute wrong way. In my attempts, I’ve had men crumple it, drop it on the floor in front of me, and straight up laugh in my face. No one thought I was confident or forward, the common consensus was that I was a weirdo. Also, engaging one-liners are hard to come up with. “Your face would look great between my legs,” is definitely not one you should try.
2. Perfect Your Come Hither Look: Drop your chin, tilt your head to the side, and look up from under your lashes.
Results: Failure. Remember that scene in House Bunny where the nerdy character attempts to flirt and the male asks if she has something in her eye? Yeah, my experience exactly. The whole head down/tilt move aggrandized the double chin and that subtle batting of the lashes just made my eyes water. This trick is supposed to make you appear approachable but in my case it just resembled a small seizure. Mainly, dudes just ignored me and my ridiculous facial contortions.
3. Engage in Guy Topics: Make small talk about sports, cars, and other guy-centric subjects.
Results: Sad. It makes sense to start a conversation over shared interests. But where this advice fails is in its assumption that I don’t have anything to say about sports or cars and in its assumption that that is all guys are interested in discussing. I tried this at two bars. I interrupted a conversation a fellow was having about the Dallas Stars to discuss a player who I didn’t realize was traded three years ago. Fail. I find it terrible to start a relationship on false pretenses like this. I’m not interested in sports except the San Antonio Spurs and I have no knowledge of cars except that mine totally sucks. Every guy knew I was desperately reaching for a topic of conversation and that I had no idea what I was talking about — so not hot.
4. Accidentally Bump Into a Hot Guy: Nudge a guy at the grocery store or at the park to get his attention.
Results: Painful. Bumping into someone does require you to engage in conversation right off the bat, as you obviously must apologize. But is that any way to make a first impression, as the clumsy girl who body-checked him? I hate the idea that my first words to a dude are, “Sorry, my bad.” The physical contact was more painful than intimate. Furthermore, my subtle bumps seemed to be more annoying to the fellas than anything else. One guy asked me point-blank, “Did you just do that on purpose?” Yes, yes I did. And it was dumb. Also, in the process a guy accidentally elbowed me right in the areola. Sad panda over here.
5. Play Dumb: Self-explanatory
Results: Mixed. Playing dumb works in some ways. Asking, “Do I know you?” or “Didn’t you play soccer at Mac?” when you know the answer is “No” is a good way to start a conversation. But pretending you know nothing about cameras when you’re a photographer just to make him feel like he has the upperhand is straight up dishonest. You’re selling yourself short by downplaying your intelligence and that’s never a good way to start a relationship. When a boy asked me if I watched basketball, I told him no and listened for 15 minutes while he explained the game to me. I tried to ask questions to keep the conversation going but they were pretty vapid. (I know b-ball like the back of my hand, yo.) In the end, I mainly looked like an idiot.
6. Show Me Your Moonwalk: At a bar or club, ask a fellow to show you his moonwalk.
Results: SUCCESS. I was skeptical of this maneuver. Not only is it ridiculous but Michael Jackson is dead for Pete’s sake — it almost seems outdated. And now some of the people in clubs were born in the freaking 90’s — do those kids even know what the moonwalk is? Still, several guys showed me their moonwalk. I might have shown mine a few times, too. If nothing else, it made these dudes actually talk to me. They seemed quizzical but intrigued by this random request. Above all, it made them laugh and feel comfortable talking to me. How apprehensive can you be around someone you showed your moonwalk to? Not apprehensive at all.
—By Lauren Osborn, Vagina Prose+Poetry Editor