Vagina :: The Zine

A Womanly Conundrum

I don’t want my baby to be born.

Don’t get me wrong. At eight months along, I’m happy to be entering the home stretch of this pregnancy. I look forward to the end of itchy skin, the lung capacity of an asthmatic smoker, feet that look like rolls of sausage, and the constant trips to the restroom.

I am excited about the birth of my son. It will be amazing to see how my husband’s and my DNA combine to create this little being. Will he be a paler version of my husband or a tanned version of me? Will the nose that my grandma, mom, and I all share be passed on to this little guy? And, will he be born with a thatch of black hair like his daddy, or will we struggle with wisps of blond hair until he is three, as was the case in my infanthood? Will he walk first, or will he crawl? What will he grow up to be?

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Dating Tips From ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 6

1. If you really, really, really, really, really want something, then it shall be yours! The more reallys you say, the better your chances.

2. If your date can survive being on The Bachelor, they can probably survive being stranded on a deserted island with a helicopter at their beck and call.

3. Stop wearing anything that covers your nipples when you go on dates. Seriously. Stop it.

4. Writing (your initials) + (your date’s initials) = <3 is somehow no longer even a little bit overzealous. Oh wait, that’s only if your nipples are showing.

5. If your date calls you “Kiddo”, you’ll probably get a proposal. Forget every single instance where someone has called you “Kiddo” soon before dumping you. Those don’t count.

6. Scrapbooking your relationship with someone you’re not actually really totally in a relationship with? Stellar idea! Not overdoing it even a smidge!

7. Still have vague leftover bits of feelings for your ex? Then you are not allowed to go on dates with anyone else ever, even with the hopes of falling in love with them and living happily ever after with no lingering feelings for exes. That’s just how it works. This is why 99% of the world is still single and will never marry. Sorryz.

8. Always simulate sex on a date! What? No, of course it won’t be awkward! You prude.

9. When you’re waiting to find out if your time together went well, stare at your date with a nervous intensity in your eyes. Gets ‘em every time!

10. I told you to rap to your date already, right?

—By Hillary-Anne Crosby, Vagina Editor-In-Chief

Dating Tips From ‘The Bachelor’ Episode 5

1. I’m just gonna say it: getting dumped in Puerto Rico > getting dumped most anywhere else.

2. “I want to win this game so bad, I can literally taste it”? For the love of all things good, girl, tell your date how it tastes! Don’t leave them hanging like that!

3. The game of love actually is a game. Go team! Wait a minute…that’s not right, huh?

4. “Who knew strippers could play baseball?”. Who knew models could use multi-syllabic words? See how many stereotypes you can work into a conversation with a date! #StereotypesRule

5. “Sick of being single” has replaced “I want to spend the rest of my life with you”, FYI.

6. Pick up a rose and act like you’re going to give it to your date. Psych! Pick up a diamond ring and act like you’re going to propose to your date. Mega Psych! Every date likes a good practical joke! Especially when the joke is on their heart. Lolzies!

7. I’d like to interrupt this series of tips to play that one David Gray song for the bajillionth time this season.

8. Taking all of your clothes off and jumping into the ocean might work. I dunno. Maybe. Eh, probably not actually.

9. When your date stares blankly back at you as you’re pouring your heart out, it’s a good sign! A really, really good sign! Eep!

10. Be excited and “woooo!” to everything your date says. No matter what.

—By Hillary-Anne Crosby, Vagina Editor-In-Chief