A Family Freed

 

My father used to say that every time he mowed the lawn he’d find another car. That came out to roughly one car per year. They were all junkers, but the RV was junk royalty. He spotted her the night we sat in the bright red vinyl booths of Seven Seas Szechuan. She was alone and askew in the Shanty Tavern’s lot, her brown paneling echoing the bar’s sign that showcased an outhouse for an emblem. She deserved better. He had to save her.

To my mother, his motives were clear. Her narrowing eyes were fixed on my father, and their intensity steeped the air. I could feel the mounting stress that accumulated behind her brow. Her lips pursed in silent protest.            

She saw his engorged pupils drooling, pouring, out the window.  The slow steam that rose from the massive, glistening bowl of egg drop soup, created a delicate, dewy veil that cocooned him with his newfound vision. She melted. How could she disrupt that childlike ecstasy so often far removed from the man she had married? He was making the same face her children endlessly deployed to turn her heart to humbow. 

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Uncommon Commodities

Fema Fresh - Dietary Supplement Capsules for Feminine Hygiene

$8.55 for a 60-count box 

Finally, another pill to pop! In case regular washing and proper hygiene just don’t cut it for you, there’s now a supplement for your vaginal health. Throw two of these down your food chute a day and expect a removal of that feminine funk. Because this product is not a spray or cream, it evidently doesn’t mess with your delicate pH balance. It’s a dietary supplement that, through all-natural means (which aren’t specified), manages to eliminate feminine odor by seeking out odor-causing bacteria. Sounds shady, but reviews are pretty positive. Ladies tout “feeling fresh” as well as confident — just what the slogan provides.

Verdict: Interesting alternative to sprays and douches if you are worried about vaginal odor and don’t want to get yeast infections.

P-Mate Female Disposable Urine Director

$4.95 for a pack of 5 
On the whole, being a woman is something I’m proud of. However, I find myself wishing to trade in my vagina for a penis each and every time I go camping. No matter how well you think you’ve mastered the pop-and-squat, you will still pee on your feet. Or your pants. Having my whole bottom half exposed in the woods doesn’t exactly make me feel at ease either. Thorns, bugs … there’s just too much that could attack my sensitive bum. However, this odd little funnel gives you the ease of urinating upright. My penis envy has come to a close. Hallelujah!

Verdict: Say what you will, but this is going to save my ass (literally) next time I head into the great outdoors for a bit.

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When you start to think ugly thoughts about your body, I highly recommend squelching them with some ice cream. Or a snow cone. Hi, vegan friends. High-res

When you start to think ugly thoughts about your body, I highly recommend squelching them with some ice cream. Or a snow cone. Hi, vegan friends.

Here’s a sneak peek at the Spring ‘14 issue — Vagina’s very first full-color, professionally printed issue! High-res

Here’s a sneak peek at the Spring ‘14 issue — Vagina’s very first full-color, professionally printed issue!

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter ‘14 issue! If you’re interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com High-res

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter ‘14 issue! If you’re interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com

The Ink That Never Dries

It would really do me good if I can keep myself from 

writing about you

—the sooner, the better.

Cause if I don’t stop, you’re going to find out 

that I—

will drop everything, 

and anything 

off my lap 

just to stand up and start running right next to you.

All the cells in my body are 

asking me to kick my stupid ball of doubt and slide down over this 

pile of messy despair—

to get to wherever you are.

Every thought that bubbles up from 

my rib cage 

bursts and lands on this perfectly white blank page

—rearranging itself and 

spelling out your [name].

You see, 

I don’t want you 

to know that this is my constant state. 

I’m afraid that every word I put in print, 

will somehow make you see me and stare my way. 

Then I would run out of 

things 

pretend 

do.

Because all I’m ever made of is meant to write about you. 

Even if I type the coldest letters,

—fuck this shit—

it wouldn’t matter. 

You are the weight that goes with this bold font. 

If you were italicized, would you lean onto me? 

You are the ink that never dries, underlining the meaning in my life. 

—By AJ Cadavedo 

Go to the Movies Alone

Go because you need some time to yourself. Go because you have to ignore your cell phone. Go because you don’t have to share your Reese’s Pieces with anyone. Go because you get to choose your favourite seat. Go because no one will see your spit-take or running mascara. Go because you need a break from reality. Go to the movies alone just because. 

—By Hillary-Anne Crosby, Vagina Editor-in-Chief

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter ‘14 issue! If you’re interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com  High-res

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter ‘14 issue! If you’re interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com 

Booking shows is hard work, y’all! But they’re always worth it. See y’all at Cheer Up Charlie’s on April 26 for the Spring ‘14 issue release? High-res

Booking shows is hard work, y’all! But they’re always worth it. See y’all at Cheer Up Charlie’s on April 26 for the Spring ‘14 issue release?

How to Shop VIntage

Aged pieces require more scouting, more inspecting, and more patience to find than any others. Thrift stores are great for finding vintage pieces, but if you want to find retro pieces in good condition, a legit vintage store is your haven. Here are some tips to get the best pieces for your buck.

1. Don’t go by the label size (if there even is one)

It’s been rumored that Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 – a 1950s size 12, not a 2013s. Remember: vintage clothes run small compared to today’s standards. Hold the item up to your body to get a gauge of whether it’s feasible for your body, to weed out the obviously too large and too small items, and then start trying on. The biggest takeaway: TRY IT ON. Vintage silhouettes can be vastly different from the styles of today, and it takes putting it on your body to decide if the cut works for you. Clothes look different on the hanger.

2. Look for tears and stains

Missing a button? Seam unraveling? Pants too short? Easy fix: it’s called a sewing kit and they sell them at the 99cent store so no excuses! A Dexter Morgan-esque crimson stain on that white chiffon shirt? Not so much. Spot a little dirt on the sleeve? Get some stain remover, girl. If the damage is structural (not enough fabric available to let out the hem, large tears, burn holes or excessively warm and thin fabric) you’ll have to pass. “Disintegrating” is not the same as “vintage”.

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In My Garden

In my garden I walked, the morning sun on my face and the flowers embracing me their perfume.

On a bush, I found a young flower blossoming, it’s beauty and fragrance gave me pause.

With scissors, I clipped its stem, and in water it was placed: to keep - always.

But not always will flowers keep- sitting in water. For cut stems will not drink forever.

A new cut must I make. So with scissors I clipped; and from my life she fell.

In fresh soil the flower will root, and its fragrance and beauty will blossom anew.

Then one day, its perfume will call to another – her petals she’ll reveal, and his face she’ll kiss.

And in the morning air, will I continue my walks.

In my garden, I will remember her

—By Fuiva

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter '14 issue! If you're interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com  High-res

Thanks to everyone who sponsored Vagina's Winter '14 issue! If you're interested in sponsoring a future issue, email me at Hillary-Anne (at) TheVaginaZine.com 

Holly Williams: The Highway

Granddaughter of Senior, daughter of Junior, and sister of the Third, Holly Williams is the latest talent to come out of the Williams family royalty. She won’t be defined by her relation to the Hanks, however, and her success has come all on her own. All the same, she’s certainly not rebelling against her country music roots. Her new album, The Highway, is a gorgeous collection of Americana songs dealing with themes of love, family, and loss that she recorded and released on her own. The music itself is beautiful — simple yet lush acoustic arrangements, raw and distinctly southern — but what really stands out is Holly’s storytelling talent. The stories she tells, many of which come from personal experience or her family’s experiences, really hit home. Some will absolutely break your heart. “Waiting On June”, for example, tells the multi-decade story of her maternal grandparents’ relationship to the very end from her grandfather’s perspective (I well up nearly every time I hear it). Others are about missing the open road (“The Highway”), settling down with the love of her life (“Without You”), and unfaithful relationships (the absolutely brilliant “Drinkin’”). This beautiful album is already one of my top 5 favorites of the year and I highly recommend it.

 —By Sarah Herndon